


Plan Z

by outherenow



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Under the Red Hood
Genre: 5 Things, Batfamily (DCU), Gen, No Angst, No editing we die like comics continuity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23704933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outherenow/pseuds/outherenow
Summary: Batman always has a backup plan. Sometimes that involves learning a new skill or twelve.Jason's just there for the food and blackmail.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 113





	Plan Z

**Author's Note:**

> idea I got based on tumblr post by source:unpretty.

1\. 

Jason's gleefully munching on a everything bagel spread with locally fished and made smoked salmon dip. His to go cup of tea is carefully held in the hand that isn't holding his bagel. He's leaning against the front display window of the shop and watching the train wreak that is the rest of his so called 'family'. 

Dickhead has a bemused look as he wanders around the small store. Picking up some of the more garishly colored yarns with a little to much enthusiasm for Jason's sanity. Jason has seen the sketches for 11 year old Grayson's failed Robin uniforms. The green panties were an *improvement* unfortunately. Brucie Wayne might not be the only one going back to Gotham with an exciting new hobby. 

Despite the usual mutual hatred between the Replacement and Demon Brat they both have pretty identical looks of horror on their face as they both face down Brucie with their arms crossed.

Demon Brat is probably imaging the dishonor Bruce is bringing to the family name as his old man deftly crochets another row into the intricate Afghan laying over his lap. Jason thinks he can see little bat symbols, robin R's, Nightwing and Red Robin calling cards lining the edge. There might even be some of Jason's own Hood style bat in there with Batgirl? Huh. He has a feeling he's watching Alfred's Christmas present get made in real time. 

Replacement is probably doing the math for how much company stock is going to fall when the media gets a hold of a photo of Bruce Wayne taking time off of work to learn the fine art of *crochet*.

In advanced level detail. In a tinyass shop in Sitka, Alaska of all places. 

Bruce gets stacks and stacks of patterns (some even hand written) from the shop owner, a strong no nonsense lady in her 70's that could probably take them all out with her knitting needles if she really felt like it, before his two youngest sons drag him out of the yarn shop. 

O.M.G. Jason's never been so happy to have been dragged along on some bullshit Bat mission in his *lifes*. Roy's gonna love this story. He quickly snaps a few photos with his cell and texts them to Roy as proof. 

2\. 

There's a Texas saying that Jason only knows because of one of his Top 5 favorite true crime podcasts is Texas based. It goes 'All Hat, No Cattle.' Apparently it means tourists like to invade Texas all decked out in the gear but with no skill. Or something along those lines. 

Stephenville, Texas is a small ass college town with a lot of cows. And cowboys. It's the cowboy capital, apparently. Yeehaw!? Jason's not sure what the correct lingo is. 

The Bentley Drake drive them all here in is wildly out of place amongst the horse trailers and dusty hay bail filled trucks.

Unfortunately it looks like that saying doesn't apply here. Bruce is decked out in the clothing, but it all looks worn and used and well fitted. He's even got a lasso and has learned how to use it well enough to place in the top ten during the rodeo they had just watched. His horse has been taken over by Damian who is barely concealing his glee at having yet another animal to add to his growing menagerie back in Gotham. Batcow will now have a friend. 

And if Bruce doesn't distract the little demon brat, he's gonna have a whole herd of cattle that Damian's 'rescued' from the fate of becoming bbq dinner at the really good smelling restuarant they passed driving here. 

Speaking of food. Jason's gonna leave the clean up of this latest fiasco to Dickie and Drake and go try out those fried oreos and jalapeno bacon cheese burgers he saw advertised off one of the food trucks. There's a rodeo clown around here somewhere and Jason wants to be far away from it. He's a little worried that even the clowns are bigger in Texas. 

Roy text's him back that he'd be happy to teach Damian how to trick horse back ride if he didn't already know how. 

3\. 

Bruce's voice has a distinct American sound to it as he speaks rabidly in spanish to his dance partner before the number begins. Grayson looks as entertained as usual as he leans back in his chair waiting for the performance to start. BatBrat is the only child in the restaurant and he's glaring around the room and snapping back in spanish at anyone who questions why he's allowed in. 

It's very high end and exclusive restaurant and apparently Timothy Drake-Wayne had to splash both his name and some cash around to get them all in last minute. Jason's itching to ditch the tie and suit he'd been forced into and the rich assholes that are surrounding them at the other tables. 

Soon the sounds of the Flamenco artists starts to play and Bruce escorts his stunning dance partner in a skintight red dress up to the slightly raised stage in the room. A young Spanish lady that has to be about the same age as Timmy. 

Tim just looks resigned as his adopted dad spins, dips, and matches perfectly foot work wise to his young dance partner. 

Jason just waves down his waiter and orders more tapas and paella on Tim's unlimited credit card while everyone is side tracked by watching Batman put his recent dance lessons into practice. 

This time when he snaps a photo he texts it to Selena Kyle. Jason's sure she'll be totally understanding about her on again/off again boyfriend running off to Madrid, Spain to take up Flamenco dancing with a very fetching young woman. 

Even better, when after dinner Bruce introduces them all to Carmen and Dickie gets his mostly innocent flirt on with her, Jason makes sure to send a pic to Oracle. 

4\. 

It turns out to be a thing. Bruce keeps getting it into his head that he has to learn all the skills. Immediately. By the best instructors. No matter where in the world they are. 

It starts getting exhausting following him around and fetching him back home. Grayson's had to pick up the slack and start wearing the Cape and cowl again to keep Gotham from noticing that Batman's *preoccupied*. 

Alfred reminds them all that this is just how Bruce is. It's how he's studied every damn martial arts there is by finding the best and studying with them. 

It's just that this time it all so...random. 

The dance lessons were followed by beer brewing in Germany, sheep herding in Ireland, crocodile wrangler in Australia, origami in Japan, drum lessons in Mali. The list of locals just grows longer and longer as time goes on. 

5\. 

By the time they hunt Bruce down to a Captain's course in Fort Lauderdale, Florida it doesn't even phase Jason. Bruce deciding to go off and master a new skill is just par for the course. Jason's not impressed nor is he leaving his comfortable apartment for this shit. The man is filthy rich and owns a yacht. Jason's kinda surprised Bruce hadn't sprung for a Mariner's license way earlier than this. 

But one thing is for sure, if all this bullshit was for a case Jason doesn't want to be in town to see how all these lessons apply. That would have to be one wacked out member of the rouges gallery and Jason is not dealing with this shit. 

Fin.


End file.
